Couples and their finances

[maat55]

Maat, If I'm reading this thread right, you've been married 25 years to a woman that isn't into finances and you would like to be able to communicate with her about them but she doesn't want to. You have lots of ideas and she is resistant and that seems to be making you mad. At the same time, you have shown some numbers for savings and investments, that are very good. You are now threatening her with the loss of her lifestyle (home) because of anticipated future financial problems.

A woman's home is a special thing and it might be very special to her. What I'm seeing from your notes, is that at this point you don't really care what she wants or thinks but you are going to do what ever 'has' to be done. You are treating her as a child. More like a rebellious teen. How about trying to treat her as a wife? Someone you love and care about rather than your adversary. Some people aren't good with finances/numbers/math but they do understand the threat of selling their home and being forced to move.

Some questions:
1. in your drive for financial stability do you make sure that she has an amount that she can spend without discussing it with you?
2. do you have nights out or small vacations or is there never enough money for this (even though the IRA is growing)
3. have you talked with her patiently about the need to move the business and asked her ideas with the idea that no idea is too ridiculous?

I suspect that from what I have read you have been making financial love withdrawals from her for a long time and that she is quite aware that you consider her her a financial dummy. Her only revenge or way to control her side of the situation is to resist and dig her heels in deeper.

May I kindly suggest marriage counseling or at least reading these two books: Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs.

Yes it is nice to be on the same page with your spouse, but what is more important is that your spouse knows that your love for them is unconditional. You have to find out what her needs are and make a point of meeting them also. One of the reasons that money is listed as the chief cause of divorce is that people use finances to control each other. Married people are supposed to be growing together not out to sabatoge the other.

To all those unmarried folks on this forum, please note that finances need to be thoroughly talked about, inspected, and proved (each's financial integrity) prior to marriage. It would save lots of grief in the future, because you should never enter marriage planning on changing the other--it doesn't work.

Don't worry that I am not giving in on occations. Getting two 20 year olds to sit down and agree on their lifetime financial plan is quite optimistic. My desire for financial peace has evolved, where hers has not.

As I have stated before, we are doing fine with our differences. My beef is that we could do better if we were on the same page. She doesn't fully understand the importance of the decissions I am making at this point, but is willing to follow if necessary. She is tied down to her posessions and status quo where I am not. I look at our finances as a business that can be improved. But for her sake, I will meet her in the middle.

I'll go to councelling about as quick as she will to finance school.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Hilarious. Maat, knows this, the number 1 cause of divorce is money disagreements. Sounds like they agree to disagree and can make it work.

Not everyone can, hence divorce. But if a spouse doesn't agree no big deal, it only is if it's a deal breaker.

[Tree0164]

It depends. My DH just hates listening to it, he seems to trust me implicitly. He asks the same as Seeker, can we afford it?

He doesn't really care about much else. He knows I am a saver, responsible with money, so he said what's the big deal?

He has trouble doing things on a schedule, so he isn't good about paying bills. I took over bill pay pretty much the day we meet, he used to have to do autopay.

I could have written this myself.

He doesn't want to talk about money-he trusts me and he doesn't go crazy with it either.

[Ima saver]

My dh and i are pretty much on the same page also. We never fight about money. He makes the money and I handle it. He has never cashed his paycheck in the 31 years we have been married. He knows I am very careful with the money he makes and I am thrifty. If I want something, I get it and so does he. With that said, I do NOT like shopping, so I rarely buy anything that is not necessary!
I would have a very hard time being married to a person that was not careful with their money.

[scottie1]

maat, my wife is the same way. We would be living in a cardboard box if she had no restrictions. Just be glad yours is not into horses like mine. It is the biggest financial black hole.

[cheshirecat]

What I find interesting is that its seems to be divided pretty equal between husband and wife when it comes to who has the stronger interest .

My situation and, I'm the wife, is simular to many of your I'm the go getter money wise I love DR and follow many of his idea but not all. And my dh could care less about finanaces

. But he has changed his money habit tremendously since I started listening to DR not that he has listened though. He hardly ever fights or pushes for things he just says I would like that some day and I say as soon as we can pay cash. I just let him talk and dream. We both get all our needs and really, really, really wants met. And we our just about to pay off our first focus loan. It was $8,000 in Feb and is about to go under $1,000.

He use to eat out most days now he doesn't even carry a card to make sure he does not eat out. He loves recreation and if he eats out the amount comes out of our recreation budget. And he hates it when I say we can take the boat out because the rec. budget is gone for the month.

I believe he is proud and excited about what I have done with our money since the beginning of Feb., but its just not where his head is. His head is thinking about hunting, fishing, wood chopping and work.

[maat55]

What I find interesting is that its seems to be divided pretty equal between husband and wife when it comes to who has the stronger interest .

My situation and, I'm the wife, is simular to many of your I'm the go getter money wise I love DR and follow many of his idea but not all. And my dh could care less about finanaces

. But he has changed his money habit tremendously since I started listening to DR not that he has listened though. He hardly ever fights or pushes for things he just says I would like that some day and I say as soon as we can pay cash. I just let him talk and dream. We both get all our needs and really, really, really wants met. And we our just about to pay off our first focus loan. It was $8,000 in Feb and is about to go under $1,000.

He use to eat out most days now he doesn't even carry a card to make sure he does not eat out. He loves recreation and if he eats out the amount comes out of our recreation budget. And he hates it when I say we can take the boat out because the rec. budget is gone for the month.

I believe he is proud and excited about what I have done with our money since the beginning of Feb., but its just not where his head is. His head is thinking about hunting, fishing, wood chopping and work.

My head used to be in the same place years ago. My wife like your husband is following, but a little reluctantly. If I fall off the wagon, I'll get ran over.

[rob62521]

Here's an article that comments on why many (not all, but many) are uncomfortable about money:

How banks should talk to women - MSN Money

I've been fortunate that my financial advisor whom I've known for over 20 years has been patient, answers questions, and doesn't talk down to me. He wasn't someone that expected me to have tons of money to start out and helped me get started investing. I'm not rich, but we are sure comfortable and part of it is because of his patience and advice.

[Petunia]

I wonder why two adults have such a hard time sitting down and planning their budget and future goals.

Early in our mariage, I let my wife run the household finances while I ran the business. Neither of us were financially smart, but we managed. Many years later, I became a DR fan and became very proactive about our finances.

I'm not a peoples person, as many of you know, but a couple should be able to sit down and plan their budgets and goals together. It seems personal finance is like a taboo few people can agree on. I'm constantly trying to find ways to better our position and prepare for future possible setbacks.

My wife has no desire to discuss our finances and at the same time, fights me on every change I want to make. Am I the olny one with this problem?

No, you're not the only one, as three pages of responses can attest. I'm also in that position, only it's DH who does not want to discuss money, goals, budget etc. I pursue what I can on my own, and when I involve him it's in tiny bites. He gets overloaded on this type of information fast. I have gradually gotten him more involved over the last three years (we've been married for almost 15 years), but we have a long, long way to go.

[asmom]

I do try to bring up and discuss our finances but the problem I face is that my wife does not understand concepts like net worth, emergency funds, and retirement and has no desire to understand them. Frankly, she get very upset when she see's our IRA balance and fights me tooth and nail to cash it out.

Oh! I feel your pain. My husband is forever wanting to cash in his retirement, it's his answer to everything. When I confronted him about his $42000 in credit card debt, he wanted to pay it off from his retirement. When I asked him why he wasn't contributing to our daughter's 529, he stated that he planned to finance her college education through his retirement fund. He needs another car and he is already hinting about taking the money from his retirement.

When I ask him how he plans to live once he actually retires, he honestly said that he doesn't plan to retire he is going to continue to work like our idiot neighbor across the street who has retired from the military and at least one factory job but has to work because he has refinanced his house to be more than it's worth, his ARM reset 5 points higher and he buys a flashy new car at least every 2 years. That's his role model??

[osadg]

My husband and I have always been on very different pages financially. He just wants to spend it and I worry about every thing possible. I actually enjoy handling our finances, but it is something we still have a hard time sitting down and talking about, unless we're already prepared. What we have found that works for us is keeping a goal list. He sits down with his list of financial goals, and I sit down with mine. Their always in the desk, and every time we make a significant change in our finances, or meet one of the goals we re-adjust them. I know excatly what he's expecting to happen with the money, and he knows what I want, and then it's easy to compromise. It's allowed us to have our very different goals right out there without needing to "argue" about them. We both know exactly what the other is hoping for, and so I'm able to plan for both of our goals.

[disneysteve]

Me and my wife have one agreement: We manage our own finances. No common account. Sometimes we even go to the extend of "I lend you money, remember to pay it back"

My friends think that it's a strange arrangement. To us, it's a total trust of each other that we will manage our finance well.

How do you divide expenses: 50-50 or proportionally based on income? How do you handle retirement savings? How about vacations? What if one of you wants to take a particular trip but the other feels they can't afford it? Significant purchases like cars, furnishings, etc.? What would you do if one of you was unable to work for a time? What if you had a kid and one parent decided to stay home with him?