Couples and their finances

[aukxsona]

My family is a lot like everyone elses. My husband is a sweet fellow that could do the bills, but has ZERO interest. He doesn't care what i do as long as food is on the table, the electric is on, we have phone and internet, and medicine. If the bills are paid he could care less. If I save money though he wants to buy some new fancy computer gizmo. I usually explain that the money earmarked for X Y or Z and he doesn't complain. For example, with our taxes he wanted a new computer case. His old one works fine it's just ugly. It would be about 100 bucks. I consider this pissing money away honestly. I said , "Honey i know you never buy anything for yourself at all but.. we need food, I need a vehicle and I need the equipment to process food." He relented. I promise he will ask for another computer gizmo before the end of the year. The thing is I just bought top of the line headphones for 30 bucks!

Other than computer parts once a year he is frugal. He is so frugal I had to force him to go to the dentist. I actually had to persuade him he could still get his graphics card if he went to the dentist other wise he wouldn't have gone! That's silly honestly and embarrassing. In the future I intend to do a yearly update so he doesn't ask to piss away our emergency funds.

[Snave]

I work out of the house a few days a week and my wife just walked in to my office and gave me my monthly allowance. Ahh, I love the beginning of the month. She just went today and pulled our cash out for our envelopes and our budget is now set for July.

[prosper]

This is a very interesting subject. The only people that I have found that find finance interesting are the participants on this board. I come to this site to satisfy my thirst for finance. Same thing wth math. I like math and most people do not. I like music theory and most people do not.

[EllaMinnowPee]

Same problem with husband

Hey there- my problem is similar to yours. We have some retirement savings but it's not nearly enough. We were both just hiding our heads in the sand when it came to retirement savings for the first 10 years of our marriage. A few months ago I became interested in budgeting and saving for retirement, but my husband is reluctant to come on board. I brought him to a meeting with our financial advisor and he showed us the amount we'd have to put away each month to retire comfortably. My husband was shocked, but he is still reluctant to make changes in our budget now in order to save for the future. I have always been frugal and don't spend a lot of money on extras, so most of the spending changes will have to be on his part. I'm trying to make changes in the way we spend our money our money so we can save more, (changing banks to get a higher interest rate, etc) but there's no way we will be able to put enough in our retirement accounts each month if he doesn't change his spending habits. I suggested using a "cash-in-envelope" type of budget for categories like dining out and recreation, but he balked at that- it's too inconvenient for him. He's resentful that I am asking him to spend less, and I'm resentful that I have to do all the research and work. It's a stressful time in our relationship now, but I know we'll come through it. I'd rather go through this now than when we're 65. I'm thinking of making a big chart to hang up in our office that tracks our savings. If he can see the positive results of our efforts, I think he'll get more and more enthusiastic about it as we get closer and closer to our goal.

[maat55]

Hey there- my problem is similar to yours. We have some retirement savings but it's not nearly enough. We were both just hiding our heads in the sand when it came to retirement savings for the first 10 years of our marriage. A few months ago I became interested in budgeting and saving for retirement, but my husband is reluctant to come on board. I brought him to a meeting with our financial advisor and he showed us the amount we'd have to put away each month to retire comfortably. My husband was shocked, but he is still reluctant to make changes in our budget now in order to save for the future. I have always been frugal and don't spend a lot of money on extras, so most of the spending changes will have to be on his part. I'm trying to make changes in the way we spend our money our money so we can save more, (changing banks to get a higher interest rate, etc) but there's no way we will be able to put enough in our retirement accounts each month if he doesn't change his spending habits. I suggested using a "cash-in-envelope" type of budget for categories like dining out and recreation, but he balked at that- it's too inconvenient for him. He's resentful that I am asking him to spend less, and I'm resentful that I have to do all the research and work. It's a stressful time in our relationship now, but I know we'll come through it. I'd rather go through this now than when we're 65. I'm thinking of making a big chart to hang up in our office that tracks our savings. If he can see the positive results of our efforts, I think he'll get more and more enthusiastic about it as we get closer and closer to our goal.

You sure find out how childish adults can be when it comes to saving for retirement. Since my wife had no desire to talk or plan for the future, I had to tell her it's my way or the high-way. I would much more prefer that we could agree on this, as simple and necessary as it is. How to get a spouse onboard is mystical endeavor.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Ouch, I'd be pissed if you told me my way or high-way. I hate when I'm treated like a child.

I try to keep it simple because if I treat my DH like a child he gets more mad.

[maat55]

Ouch, I'd be pissed if you told me my way or high-way. I hate when I'm treated like a child.

I try to keep it simple because if I treat my DH like a child he gets more mad.

It was do that or retire broke, I was left no option.

[Snave]

It was do that or retire broke, I was left no option.

You wouldn't retire broke. You'd just never get to retire!

[scfr]

You sure find out how childish adults can be when it comes to saving for retirement. Since my wife had no desire to talk or plan for the future, I had to tell her it's my way or the high-way. I would much more prefer that we could agree on this, as simple and necessary as it is. How to get a spouse onboard is mystical endeavor.

If I may be frank, saying "my way or the highway" might not be the best way to get your wife on board. In fact, it may be one of the worst ways. (If I were given those options, it would be the open road for me!)

If you push someone too hard, they're going to push back.

If you're not having much luck catching flies with vinegar, why not try some honey?

[maat55]

If I may be frank, saying "my way or the highway" might not be the best way to get your wife on board. In fact, it may be one of the worst ways. (If I were given those options, it would be the open road for me!)

If you push someone too hard, they're going to push back.

If you're not having much luck catching flies with vinegar, why not try some honey?

I've been in this mariage 25 years and pretty well know what will and won't work. There's no tray with honey when she wants something. I don't have five years to figure out how to get her on board. Besides, when I said highway, I meant I would go.

Not to worry, were on a plan that works and everbody's happy. Were just not the team I wish we could be. And my plan is less aggressive as I would like it to be.

The question to answer is: What do you do when one partner wants be financially responsible and the other doesn't have a clue or care what that means?

Snave,

Exactly.

[rob62521]

My husband is pretty good about listening, but I've been the one who manages the bills, payments, etc. Last fall, right before interest rates dropped, we scheduled an appointment with our financial advisor who recommended some CD's at 5%. DH refused to be tied down -- he knew that interest rates were better. Within days the fed cut the interest rates and it was too late. I was very frustrated. I finally got him to put some money in laddering CD's at 4% a few weeks ago, but everything with him has been a struggle. He wouldn't change banks a few years ago although I had major problems with getting the checkbook to balance. It wasn't that I wasn't getting stuff put in and checked off, the bank was always telling me I had more money than we had. I told him that a bank that is that inaccurate isn't a place to be. It took over 10 years to convince him to change -- all I heard was "I've been banking there over 35 years." I finally told him he could bank there as long as he wanted, but I was moving the checking account to someplace that offered free checking (the old one didn't) and free on-line services. I told him loyalty meant nothing to these banks because this one had, in the past 8 years been bought out twice. He finally agreed, let me change banks and we've been looking for better deals for CD's and MM ever since.

I am the cheap one of the two -- I take coupons to the store, I look at the sales flyers, and if possible try to use coupons at restaurants if available. He never wanted to do that before, but when I pointed out, well, if we were going there anyway and save $5 on a meal, that's $5 we have for something else.

As for the romance novel with the thrifty undertones, be sure to make it, as my hubby calls it, "a bodice ripper" with some hunky guy on the front cover...maybe he can be holding a bond or some gold. :-)

[toptaxguy]

My wife and I don't discuss finances much and it is always a source of tension. I handle the household monthly expenses and my wife pays the grocery, clothing and other bills.

I do try to bring up and discuss our finances but the problem I face is that my wife does not understand concepts like net worth, emergency funds, and retirement and has no desire to understand them. Frankly, she get very upset when she see's our IRA balance and fights me tooth and nail to cash it out.

In my case the less she see's the better.

[maat55]

My husband is pretty good about listening, but I've been the one who manages the bills, payments, etc. Last fall, right before interest rates dropped, we scheduled an appointment with our financial advisor who recommended some CD's at 5%. DH refused to be tied down -- he knew that interest rates were better. Within days the fed cut the interest rates and it was too late. I was very frustrated. I finally got him to put some money in laddering CD's at 4% a few weeks ago, but everything with him has been a struggle. He wouldn't change banks a few years ago although I had major problems with getting the checkbook to balance. It wasn't that I wasn't getting stuff put in and checked off, the bank was always telling me I had more money than we had. I told him that a bank that is that inaccurate isn't a place to be. It took over 10 years to convince him to change -- all I heard was "I've been banking there over 35 years." I finally told him he could bank there as long as he wanted, but I was moving the checking account to someplace that offered free checking (the old one didn't) and free on-line services. I told him loyalty meant nothing to these banks because this one had, in the past 8 years been bought out twice. He finally agreed, let me change banks and we've been looking for better deals for CD's and MM ever since.

I am the cheap one of the two -- I take coupons to the store, I look at the sales flyers, and if possible try to use coupons at restaurants if available. He never wanted to do that before, but when I pointed out, well, if we were going there anyway and save $5 on a meal, that's $5 we have for something else.

As for the romance novel with the thrifty undertones, be sure to make it, as my hubby calls it, "a bodice ripper" with some hunky guy on the front cover...maybe he can be holding a bond or some gold. :-)

I read in a book the other day about how the days of bank loyalty to the customer are gone. Like any other business, they are only about the bottom line. Same goes for employers, you have to see yourself as an free agent and do what best for you at all times.


toptaxgut,

I think your wife must be my wifes twin sister. Good luck.

[rob62521]

Maat, I read a few years ago they predicted sixth graders in the 90s would, by the time they reached retirement, change jobs 8 times and careers a minimum of three. So, loyalty to employers certainly has gone by the wayside. Of course, with many places closing, downsizing, being bought out, it probably isn't a surprise.

[Gailete]

Maat, If I'm reading this thread right, you've been married 25 years to a woman that isn't into finances and you would like to be able to communicate with her about them but she doesn't want to. You have lots of ideas and she is resistant and that seems to be making you mad. At the same time, you have shown some numbers for savings and investments, that are very good. You are now threatening her with the loss of her lifestyle (home) because of anticipated future financial problems.

A woman's home is a special thing and it might be very special to her. What I'm seeing from your notes, is that at this point you don't really care what she wants or thinks but you are going to do what ever 'has' to be done. You are treating her as a child. More like a rebellious teen. How about trying to treat her as a wife? Someone you love and care about rather than your adversary. Some people aren't good with finances/numbers/math but they do understand the threat of selling their home and being forced to move.

Some questions:
1. in your drive for financial stability do you make sure that she has an amount that she can spend without discussing it with you?
2. do you have nights out or small vacations or is there never enough money for this (even though the IRA is growing)
3. have you talked with her patiently about the need to move the business and asked her ideas with the idea that no idea is too ridiculous?

I suspect that from what I have read you have been making financial love withdrawals from her for a long time and that she is quite aware that you consider her her a financial dummy. Her only revenge or way to control her side of the situation is to resist and dig her heels in deeper.

May I kindly suggest marriage counseling or at least reading these two books: Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs.

Yes it is nice to be on the same page with your spouse, but what is more important is that your spouse knows that your love for them is unconditional. You have to find out what her needs are and make a point of meeting them also. One of the reasons that money is listed as the chief cause of divorce is that people use finances to control each other. Married people are supposed to be growing together not out to sabatoge the other.

To all those unmarried folks on this forum, please note that finances need to be thoroughly talked about, inspected, and proved (each's financial integrity) prior to marriage. It would save lots of grief in the future, because you should never enter marriage planning on changing the other--it doesn't work.