Adults Living With Parents

[Angio333]

On another forum, there was an interesting discussion about adults with good jobs still living with their parents or moving back in with them.

What do you think about adults who are in their late 20s or older who are willing still living at home or moving back home.? They may be there just because, to save up for a house, etc.

For the record, we are not talking about adults children taking care of their sick parents or the adult who lives with their parents since they have a medical issue that requires care. We are also not talking about someone who moves in for a VERY short amount of time due to a divorce or loss of a spouse, etc.

IMO, they need to grow up and get a life. They need to hang up the playstation and move out of mom's basement. They are adults and should act like it. if they can't afford a house, then rent.

[maat55]

My 25 year old daughter will be moving in with us in a couple of weeks. She has been on her own for the last 3 years living in the town she went to college.

She has a boyfriend she met in our town(100 miles) and has found a job here(Not only because of the boy, but because she wants to raise her children where her family is). We invited her to live with us so that she could payoff some debt before possibly getting married in a year.

After she gets tired of fighting with DW, she will move to her grandparents.(Just my guess) She will be responsible for all her expenses, but we will charge nothing for living with us. She has been very responsible with her finances and I have been working her boyfriend over on good personal finance.

[ScrimpAndSave]

I pay for rent, utilities and groceries and live at home with my father. My fiance is finishing up his last year of law school 5 hours away. We are getting married in September 2009 and then staying here for another year before we buy a house.

I think your comment is cruel and ignorant.

There are all kinds of situations - and not all of them involve mooching offspring. My dad could use the extra income and warm meals on the table every night. He also enjoys the companionship and would rather live with me for the time being than live alone.

Plenty of people take advantage of others, but I don't think it is fair to make a blanket statement like that.

[Aleta]

I think that as long as it works out between the parents and child; it's alright. Some adult children are thankful and contribute to the household and the parents don't mind helping. Our son lived with us and he knew when it was time to move out. We loved having him but he needed his own space.

In today's economy, it's very difficult for young people to afford apartments and the worst part is the college loans that are owed. Our generation never had loans this high.

[Broken Arrow]

I don't know if I qualify.... I technically house-sit for an aunt who is not even in the country right now, and probably won't be for several more years. I also pay all the utilities, keep it mostly clean, and have never thrown a party here.

The mutually beneficial arrangement was actually offered to me by my parents on behalf of my aunt, which I accepted. My parents also come and inspect the house whenever they feel like it, which I don't mind.

In return, I of course get a substantial boost from not having to pay for rent or mortgage at this time. But then, I'm not one of those guys who takes their family's generosity for granted, trash the place, and squander the extra funds I have available.

No, I am very well aware of how fortunate I am, and that this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity must not be wasted. And once it's time for me to leave, I'll leave knowing full well that it's because of them, I will be in a much better financial position than if they didn't help me at all. I make sure they understand how much I appreciate this, and they appear to be pleased with my care of the house so far.

I have to agree that people who don't recognize how fortunate they are to be in similar situations are... well, fools. Fortunately, I don't think everyone in situations like these are that foolish. For those who are, my opinion is to simply kick them out.

[Seeker]

For the record, we are not talking about adults children taking care of their sick parents or the adult who lives with their parents since they have a medical issue that requires care. We are also not talking about someone who moves in for a VERY short amount of time due to a divorce or loss of a spouse, etc.

IMO, they need to grow up and get a life. They need to hang up the playstation and move out of mom's basement. They are adults and should act like it. if they can't afford a house, then rent.

For the record, a "VERY short amount of time" can mean different things to people as well.

Your opinion of people who live with their folks in their 20's does not allow for the reality of today's younger people's lives.

IMO, MOST people want to make their own way in the world as soon as they get out of high school. Unfortunately, things do not often work out as anyone plans or chooses. Life has a way of throwing curves, and we don't always have choices. The loss of a job, the loss of a house, the loss of a loved one, the loss of health... etc. Many realities enter into decisions of whether or not to go "home" and not all people even have that option.

The other reality is that many cultures do not expect this of their children. Many cultures, including the one I grew up in, would rather that I as a female stayed at home until married and helped Mom with all the household chores that needed to be done. That was not my choice and I like many others, made my own future; but regardless are you judging the culture as being wrong too?

Until you have lived the lives of other people and know even a fraction of their reality, IMO your judgements about when, where or how other people live their day-to-day lives are rather moot.

[disneysteve]

My initial reaction was to agree with the OP because I know exactly the type of adult children he/she is referring to. But then I read the replies and I agree with them as well.

If you are living with your parents purely to avoid becoming a grown-up with bills and responsibilities, you need to pack your bags and get on with your life.

I've heard lots of reasons why things are supposedly different today. I think some of those reasons are perfectly valid and others are just weak excuses and rationalizations. I think the biggest problem that I've seen is the lifestyle expectations of many young people today. They don't want to leave home until they can afford to live in the way they've become accustomed. They don't want to struggle and eat ramen noodles and use milk crates for bookcases and sleep on a futon. And it isn't all the fault of the kids either. Many parents today don't want to see their kids live that way. They'd rather keep them at home in comfort and luxury until the kid can afford to move out to comfort and luxury. I think this does everyone a huge disservice. It doesn't give the kid the life lessons he/she needs to make it on his/her own. And it delays the parents moving into the next phase of their own lives.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I think it depends. That being said one of DH's childhood friends is a LOSER. He has 4 male friends living at home and only 1 would qualify as a loser. The other 3 are fine even living at home.

1 is saving for a house as a single male, one is married but they are building their home as I type this, and the last is also single and saving for a house. So those three are fine.

The fourth? Well his Girlfriend just moved in with him and his parents! And he's 31 years old and never lived outside of his parents house. He does not pay rent, deeply in debt, and does not want to move out. His sister told my DH that he needs to move out and stop leeching on his parents.

So not everyone is equal, but boy some are quite leeches.

[Angio333]

My initial reaction was to agree with the OP because I know exactly the type of adult children he/she is referring to. But then I read the replies and I agree with them as well.

If you are living with your parents purely to avoid becoming a grown-up with bills and responsibilities, you need to pack your bags and get on with your life.

I've heard lots of reasons why things are supposedly different today. I think some of those reasons are perfectly valid and others are just weak excuses and rationalizations. I think the biggest problem that I've seen is the lifestyle expectations of many young people today. They don't want to leave home until they can afford to live in the way they've become accustomed. They don't want to struggle and eat ramen noodles and use milk crates for bookcases and sleep on a futon. And it isn't all the fault of the kids either. Many parents today don't want to see their kids live that way. They'd rather keep them at home in comfort and luxury until the kid can afford to move out to comfort and luxury. I think this does everyone a huge disservice. It doesn't give the kid the life lessons he/she needs to make it on his/her own. And it delays the parents moving into the next phase of their own lives.

DisneySteve said it in a better way than I did. I am referring to the adults who are leeches or are refusing to leave hom until they are capable of having the same life style that they have home.

[Seeker]

DisneySteve said it in a better way than I did. I am referring to the adults who are leeches or are refusing to leave hom until they are capable of having the same life style that they have home.

Wow. Okay, I misunderstood. Is this more of a prevalent thing than say 1 or 2 decades ago?

Guess the reason I sorta misread was because of the "VERY short time" conditional on part of this post. Grieving (part of the process that needs to happen when there's a major loss) sometimes takes some people a very long time to get over. Others make mistakes on skipping that process or ignoring it and these sometimes rush themselves into something else and that ends up another loss down the line.

The only "adult" persons I know that have returned to their homes were sick (cancer in one case... daughter is now living with her Mom -- who was living alone -- but it's been a mutually beneficial situation -- Mom's getting on in years and had a pacemaker replaced and is also doing much better too). There's no "leecher" here, is there? Mom is the known party here and she wants her daughter to remain; I don't know the daughter very well but they've been together for the last two years. I think the daughter is working part-time again. She must be okay with staying or why would she?

And/or one other person that lost his job and it was a choice of moving back or living on the street. But he was always asking about job availablity and he only stayed until he found another position. Then rented amd still rents.

HS students that haven't made a descision? I suppose there's more of them. But college and working part time do not always meet expenses.... but that's not really returning home is it? And it too does not describe the situation of an "adult with a good income"... ???

IMO when both the people or all the people involved want it to continue as it is, then why should anything change? Who are we to make a judgement call? But if any one person wanted a change, then it's up to that person to make that change happen. And if that person lacks some defining characteristic (individualism maybe? incentive?), then yes probably the folks need to help this person "grow-up" so to speak.

If say I had to return home and my folks wanted me to stay, I know that I would not want to, and thus I'd leave as soon as I were able (becuase you know, I don't want to answer to them anymore nor meet their expectations) -- but that's my decision and I'd make it happen; it's my life.

I guess I'm sorta confused. Maybe I just don't understand a "leeches" mentality???

[disneysteve]

Is this more of a prevalent thing than say 1 or 2 decades ago?

Based on articles I've read in both financial and non-financial publications, it does seem to be significantly more prevalent than it was a couple of decades ago when I finished college. The percentage of college grads who move back home with their parents has risen sharply over the years.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

It's called the boomerang generation! And my DH's friends most moved out and back in to save for a home. Some lived on their own for quite a few years. The married couple moved back to their hometown from away so they decided to build a home.

But the one loser? He never moved out in 31 almost 32 years (january is his birthday). And his siblings are upset. They call him a leech, but his parents are so nice they let him and his girlfriend live there!!!!

What the heck?? Girlfriend? Wife I can understand when you are buying or building a home, but girlfriend? What kind of girl is that to boot???

[disneysteve]

It's called the boomerang generation! And my DH's friends most moved out and back in to save for a home.

What I'll never understand is why people do this. I couldn't wait to finish school and get my own place. And once I did have my own place, there was no way I would have gone back to living with my parents. If I had to eat rice and beans every day and work a second job to pay the rent, I would have done it.

[Coleroo]

I think it's perfectly fine as long as it's mutually agreed upon between parent and child.

Like it was said in another post above, many cultures around the world don't expect their offspring to suddenly leave home and take up residence somewhere else at a certain age. Why is American culture so focused on "independence or bust" for the young adult?

I lived with my parents all through college (during which time I also worked full time), and didn't move out until I married at 23. I would still be living with them if I weren't married. Albeit, I had a tremendously wonderful relationship with my parents and I was an only child.

The economy is too tough, and for many people getting out in the "real world" is a lot harder than we give credit for. Why should resources be wasted to support a home of 1 and 2 people, when families can share resources and have a home of 4, 5, 6 people just as easy?? I have never quantified "adulthood" by whether someone shares a home with family.

I guess though, it all boils down to one's relationship with their parents and their own cultural upbringing. In my experience, adults and their offspring living together is perfectly fine.

[disneysteve]

I guess though, it all boils down to one's relationship with their parents and their own cultural upbringing. In my experience, adults and their offspring living together is perfectly fine.

I think you are right. The cultural aspect is something most of us don't think about (since we aren't from one of those cultures).

I had a great relationship with my parents (still do with my mom; dad is no longer with us). Even after I moved out, I continued to spend lots of time with them, vacation with them, etc. To this day (I'm 44) I still periodically vacation with my mom.

But to me (and I guess this reflects my upbringing), growing up involves becoming independent, spreading your wings and flying from the nest to make a life for yourself.

And on the flip side, I think it is important for the parents, as well. I love my daughter dearly and we do lots of fun things together as a family, but I also miss having time alone with my wife. Something as simple as going out to dinner isn't so simple once you have a kid. Your life becomes all about the kid - as it should be - but at some point, I look forward to us getting our lives back in our control, being able to do things that are important and enjoyable to us. I hope and expect to continue to be close with our daughter and spend time together, just not to live in the same house in another 6 years when she goes off to college.