Struggling with new life and not keeping up w/ Joneses

[Jennsnoopy]

I really don't want to get flamed here. I'm hoping for some support. As I mentioned in my last thread, my husband and I buckled down, sold our large "show home", paid off all our debts, and moved to a better place (new state) for medical and good public schools for our kids.

We bought a house, this time well within our mean. It doesn't have the vaulted ceilings and Designer kitchen like other house. We downsized From a 3 to a 2 car garage. We no longer have 1/3 of an acre of manicured backyard with entertaining area and tons of landscaping that needs to be taken care of. We live in the forest.

No one will ever be impressed with our home. While it's still a decent size (son has a hard time in public places do to medical issues so we spend a lot of time at home), we have regular sized ceilings, semi closed floor plan and everything except new kitchen appliances and floors are remnants of the late 80's.

Our financial picture is much better and we are realistic that our 2 kids medical issues need to be included in our budget and take up a chunk others could use for more enjoyable endeavors. However, oir family is what it is and we love our kids.

The school district we live in has great services and accommodations for our children. It's one of the reasons we chose our location. However, it is in one of the most highly affluent parts of our city. Therefore, with exception to our immediate neighborhood of 1960-1980 built home, we live in an area with giant McMansions and private golf courses.

I'm hoping to feel good someday about the fact that we are doing the responsible thing with our finances, finally in our early 40's. No debt except a reasonable mortgage. We lived the "high life on credit" for years but we almost went bankrupt. Not sure if this was do to our extravagance or our feeling of entitlement in the face of ongoing children medical bills. Both which were a bad mindset.

Finally facing up to it and cleaning things up was good. It stunk during the process but I'm happy knowing we are budgeting and can afford the house we have.

But I admit, it's hard. Everyone around us seems to have a lot more. Giant houses, boats, toys, etc. I refuse to go down the joneses pathway again. Maybe the reality of putting all of our expenses on paper surprised me. My husband makes a pretty good salary but I guess a lot of folks make way more. I'm a stay at home mom for children purposes. I guess there are way more financially successful people than I thought. Or maybe medical plays a bigger role for us.

Anyway, we are doing good now. But I admit I get jealous and miss my large house at times.

At least I sleep better at night not worried if we can pay our bills or what if a surprise emergency happens.

That's something, right? I just hate the Joneses tonight.

[LuckyRobin]

Well, it's hard and it's okay for you to feel like it is hard. Any massive lifestyle change is. It's probably going to take you a few years to settle into it and get really comfortable with it. You have to get past caring what other people think and that takes time. You have to learn to be happy with what you have and that is a learned thing, it's not automatic. Think about all of the things that you do have, that you are grateful for, and try to find joy in them. It can be an effort to look for the good in your life and how much you really do have when you are overwhelmed by what you have had to give up, especially if you are not an optimist by nature, but it really is helpful.

When you are dealing with medical issues on a daily basis, you are also dealing with a special kind of stress that the general public does not have. When those medical issues are with your children, that stress doubles. The impulse to find an outlet for that stress often results in destructive behavior like overspending or overeating or rewarding yourself with the very best because you feel you deserve it due to all you go through. The challenge is to channel those feelings into something that is healthy for your mind, your body, and your finances.

You need to find that place of joy that is not expensive that nourishes your soul. For me that was gardening. I've known people to take up writing or hiking or even to just start reading again after many years of giving that up to caregive so fully. How much of what you are feeling is really envy? Could it be that you simply are not taking any time for yourself as a full time stay at home mother of kids with medical problems and you are displacing those needs into desires for stuff to compensate? This is incredibly common with people in your situation. Food for thought.

You are out of debt except for a reasonable mortgage. That is something to proud of. And it is highly likely that the people you are looking at all around you cannot and may never be able to say the same. Hang in there. Acceptance comes with time. Happiness comes with practice.

[Jennsnoopy]

Thank you. That's some great advice. Some of the things you've said I've never considered, especially the caregiver stress part. I really appreciate the feedback. And thank you for not bashing me. It's hard to admit that change is hard.

[GoodSteward]

Sadly, living within your means is not normal anymore. So, when you do make that change you feel out of place. Living financially responsible doesn't fit in with most people's mindset, and often doesn't even make sense the people around you. Payments are what is normal now, not pay-for.

The biggest mental shift that I went through trying to change my lifestyle from "living it up on credit" is waiting to buy instead of always on payment to have it now. When you finally get away from payments, you have a lot more cash flow to save up and then pay cash for something you would like. This is a hard shift though when you are not used to saving. Perhaps you need some goals that would make you feel better about the house you are in. Maybe you can have a goal to save up to remodel the kitchen? New floor? etc.

[MonkeyMama]

I think it's just relative. It would probably be more helpful to spend more time with the needy to gain some perspective. If you were volunteering in a soup kitchen I think the concerns about the Joneses would start to seem more silly, just as an example. Helping those less fortunate is just another way to shift the focus from everything you don't have to everything you do have.

& get to know the neighbors. You may be surprised. We moved to a city that is 70% cheaper and ended up buying a luxury home in a high-end community in our early 20s. Being frugal and relatively low income I remember initially thinking that we felt very out of place, even though we bought well within our means. We just never would have been able to buy in a high end neighborhood in our old city, and I think our age made us feel a little out of place too. The reality? Without the housing pressure I just couldn't relate to how most people spent their money and they just made fun of us for being so frugal. (We were used to ALL our money going to housing so weren't used to having money for other things). Our neighbors were totally different. Most had much bigger incomes and did have some showier things like bigger homes and nice cars. BUT... None of them has ever made fun of us. We fit right in with our financial mindset. The past couple of conversations I recall having were about cutting the cable cord (this was several years ago) and how everyone was going to paint their own house versus hiring someone out. They are the only people in this city I have met who would shop in a thrift shop. Stuff like that. In the end we probably fit in better here than we would have anywhere else. Otherwise I've just met a lot of people living far beyond their means with nothing to show for it.

[Attitudeofawinner]

Watch "Fight Club". The message in that movie is spectacular. I hear you and while I would most likely fit into your "Joneses" criteria you are referring to I assure you most of the people you see driving their Range Rovers out of their mansions aren't any happier than you. I have a friend who has every toy you can think of like a Lamborghini, six figure boat, mansion on the ocean, a helicopter, and a long list of other extravagant luxuries. Let me assure you, he is no happier than the average Joe.

[Jennsnoopy]

Thanks everyone for the advice!

[TexasHusker]

I happen to have a Range Rover, but I'm no happier than before I had it.

That said, we tend to assume that it is the "spenders" who are obsessed with money. In reality, the "savers" can often be equally obsessed with it. Only they aren't obsessed with what it will provide for now, but what it will provider for IN THE FUTURE.

Both of these are bad news.

A fellow told me one time: "Give 10 percent, saving 10 percent, and live on the rest."

That advice has served me well. It keeps things in perspective, and allows me to give, save, and LIVE. As in RIGHT NOW.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

It is hard to not be jealous. No matter what you have there is always people who have more. I agree with Texas Husker that you can be obsessed with savings and obsessed spending. It isn't one or the other. Sometimes you just have to balance everything.

Nothing in life is fair. The important thing is to be happy with what you have. I have considered this a lot recently. Why? Because we have a good income, savings, and a nice lifestyle. But I'm craving going back to work and I think a lot about what would i do with the extra money. Is it wrong?

I think it happens so easy to so many of us. We get into trouble quickly. I worry about it. I worry that our lifestyle will inflate with our income. It's super easy to get caught up even in the small things like eating out, etc.

Give yourself a break. You are doing the right thing and just because you want more doesn't make you a bad person. Sometimes being on a savings forum does not mean you have to live life super frugally. All of us here aren't the same. Some are more frugal than others because of income and some because of nature. But the truth is that most important thing is at the end of the day we are saving and living within our means.

[Outdoorsygal]

You sound like you're doing really well! It would be uncomfortable to me to be the poorest person in the area also so don't feel bad. I wish you could've moved to a forest like area which didn't encompass all that materialism but I understand health reasons make much of what we need, not really possible
I suspect our families are in the same boat as that is the setting we need also due to health issues. The ony town that offers it with a high enough elevation has very few homes come up for sale, and not much land either.

[FLA]

I second getting to know your neighbors and the community. Take the kids to free library and museum exhibits. Find out about a book club at the library for you. Go to free wine tastings. Once you start meeting the Joneses some of them aren't so intolerable to be around.

After my divorce, I bought a town house in a very good school district with expensive McMansions everywhere I turned. My town home was very nice, old kitchen and BRs but fine. But it was nicknamed the ghetto by the local kids. It was not the ghetto by any stretch of the imagination, a house 3 doors over sold for 750k. That was hard on my kids but they very quickly found similar friends who didn't care about such things, some from wealthy backgrounds, some from single parent families like us.

my way of not envying the Joneses too much was to look at my 403B and IRA balances when I wanted granite countertops and fancy vacations. And making a game to see if we could lower the power bill every month. It gets easier and nothing beats a debt-free way of living.

ironically, some of the kids' friends living in those 750k houses with 2 or 3 high-end vehicles, actually had virtually empty rooms and crappy furniture in their McMansions. I knew they were probably heavily in debt. You've made good choices.

[Singuy]

1. Who to say the Jones are rich? They probably make less than your husband and live on credit. I find you can borrow anything in the U.S, from Rims to dinner dresses..heck there's even a subscription based program in which you can borrow any designer watches/dresses..just pay a monthly fee!

2. My frugal ways in some areas get many many eye rolls from people who makes 1/10th of what we make. Perhaps I am a troll, because I enjoy getting them and it feeds my happiness. I know what I can afford, I know what I should buy, and I know how to be wealthy..and that's all it matters. Others can judge us all they want, but it's them who lives paycheck to paycheck, not us.

So enjoy what you have and who cares what other people think. I still think it's 10x better to be honest with yourself and only obtain things you can afford, than to fake it till you make it with borrowed cars, houses, dresses, watches, and rims.

[Jennsnoopy]

All these comments are great. Thank you. Last night we went out to our backyard and roasted marshmallows. For the cost of a bag of marshmallows we had a lovely night. We watched our dogs romping through our forested lot and husband and I talked about how we sleep better at night. Husband also pointed out the 6 streets in our forested neighborhood all have similar 1960-1980 houses so he said at least 150 other families are choosing to live like us. And our small pocket of neighbors are very friendly.

My kids also remind me they would much rather have me home with them helping them than extras stuff that a second job could buy. My cancer survivor (daughter) said she is happier knowing her mom and dad are around making memories with her.

And my son, I honestly don't know where he would be if I couldn't stay home.

After we put the kids to bed my hubs and I had a glass of wine on our patio. It wasn't from the $40 bottles we use to drink but the $6 one, which went down just as easy knowing we aren't racking up debt.

On to saving up for a bigger EF now.

Thanks for having my back.

[JoeP]

Do a quick search here on posts regarding simplifying, decluttering, and downsizing. You can't put a price on the feeling you get after doing any or all of these.

We have 3 rooms in our house that barely get used nowadays: the dining room, the finished basement, and a small room above our entry. We simply don't get a lot of function out of them, and to be honest, I'd be happy removing their square footage along with all their furnishings.

In fact, we're very much looking forward to a much smaller home in the next 10 years. With smaller homes comes: lower taxes, lower energy bills, fewer things to need repair, less furniture, less clutter, smaller yard (usually).

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Your Roasting Marshmallows post is wonderful. That's the life! Living in the forest and even on a forested lot opens up so much for your kids and you to do together. I raised my kid in the city and we got out to state parks as often as we could. You are so lucky.