Hiding credit card debt

**disneysteve** · 08-26-2013, 06:45 PM

Originally posted by nellies View Post

I saw a credit card statement for a card that I didn't even know we had. I would have opened it, but it was only in his name and I didn't want to breach that privacy. When I asked him about it, he was dismissive and said it was nothing to worry about.

Huge red flag here. The fact that he has taken on debt without telling his wife signifies a major problem. You absolutely need to confront him about it. Will it cause a fight? Probably, but this is exactly the type of thing that drives couples to divorce.

Why did he take on this debt? Where has he been spending the money and why didn't he want you to know about it? What other stuff is he hiding from you?

The two of you need to pull your credit reports and go over them together to see where everything stands and work TOGETHER to fix whatever mess he has gotten you both into.

**kork13** · 08-26-2013, 07:16 PM

Unfortunately, there is really only one course of action that will fix the problem: You do need to confront him about it.

With that said, it doesn't have to be all fire and brimstone when you do. In fact, probably the one thing you should NOT do is accuse him of lying to you, betraying your trust, or anything like that.....at least upfront (though these issues should be addressed later on, once he's opened up). Do you trust each other, and are you able to talk openly with one another? The important thing is for you to stay calm. Once you ask him about it (and you'll need to insist on discussing it), he's going to be VERY on-edge & defensive. Stay calm, and simply explain that you want everything to be open & honest between you two, and that whatever issues he's trying to protect you from, you can & want to deal with them together. Remember that your marriage is a partnership, and remind him of that. You can work through any potential problems together, but you need to do that together. As DS said, a good way to clear the air (and also ensure full disclosure, at least on the debt side) is to pull credit reports for both of you -- go to http://www.annualcreditreport.com, it's free to get your credit reports once per year from each credit bureau.

Good luck, I know it won't be an easy conversation...but again, stay calm, don't accuse, and emphasize your partnership & wanting to work through it together.

**Jerry91** · 08-29-2013, 12:30 AM

You will have to directly ask him regarding this matter. Ask him to clarify the credit card statement. If he has nothing to hide, he should be forthcoming enough to provide you with all the details regarding the card.

**bjl584** · 08-29-2013, 04:00 AM

Originally posted by nellies View Post

I have a difficult problem with my husband and I'm hoping to get some ideas of what to do in this situation. I have a suspicion that he is hiding credit card debt from me. The thing is, I think the credit cards are only in his name so I have no way of finding out if he is hiding debt or if I'm just mistaken.

The reason that I think he is hiding this debt is because I picked up the mail the other day which is something that I rarely do. My husband usually does this. When I looked through, I saw a credit card statement for a card that I didn't even know we had. I would have opened it, but it was only in his name and I didn't want to breach that privacy. When I asked him about it, he was dismissive and said it was nothing to worry about.

Now I'm worried and I'm not sure how to find out without escalating this into a huge fight. How should I go about confirming if he has hidden credit card debt?

You may have larger issues than just money. If it is true that he is hiding debt from you, then what else might he be hiding from you? If he does have debt, then what did that debt buy? Where was the money spent? On what? On who? You definitely need to confront him on this and get to the bottom of it before it spirals out of control. It may cause a fight, but better to just get it over with now.

**neatdesign** · 08-29-2013, 04:30 AM

You could always try the old tactic of opening the envelope and saying you accidentally thought it was addressed to you and only realized that it wasn't when you saw what was inside. Then you could confront him with it.

Does this mean breaching his privacy? Yes. But unless and until you actually SEE the statement, he has a way to dodge your questions about it.

**scfr** · 08-29-2013, 07:31 AM

I know that this is a long shot, but can you think of ANY legitimate reason for him opening a card and not wanting you to know? For example, a store card to get a discount on a birthday or anniversary gift for you?

If not, then you do need to find out. Tell him your suspicions and ask him to explain. Don't demand an answer right away and don't put him on the defensive. Give him time to think about it before he answers. Hopefully he'll "come clean."

**disneysteve** · 08-29-2013, 08:04 AM

Originally posted by scfr View Post

I know that this is a long shot, but can you think of ANY legitimate reason for him opening a card and not wanting you to know?

I can't think of any legitimate reason for my wife to open a new credit card without telling me. That's not how marriage works in my book. If she wanted to buy me a gift that was so expensive she needed a new credit card to get it then I need to know about it and we need to discuss it in advance.

**Wino** · 08-29-2013, 08:46 AM

I think that there is a problem with trust in your relationship. I had seen an article - not the one below, but the same topic - that this reminded me of. The gist was that financial cheating was seen as more destructive to a relationship than sexual cheating, though I can't see how either cannot be destructive.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/moneywis...al-infidelity/ Here's an interesting article about financial cheating.

Money quote: "It’s one thing to fib about a new pair of shoes, but keeping serious money secrets from one another – about problems with debt or spending – can be a recipe for disaster."

**scfr** · 08-29-2013, 10:44 AM

Originally posted by disneysteve View Post

I can't think of any legitimate reason for my wife to open a new credit card without telling me. That's not how marriage works in my book. If she wanted to buy me a gift that was so expensive she needed a new credit card to get it then I need to know about it and we need to discuss it in advance.

Disneysteve - That is the way things work in my marriage as well. My husband & I don't exchange gifts, and our finances are an open book. However, in every marriage the couple works out what works for them. In some marriages the "big surprise gift" is the norm and accepted. I have a friend who is quite frugal, uses the envelope system, started saving a portion of her income when she got her first job in high school, and is on track to have her mortgage paid off by her mid-50's while putting 2 children through college. And yet during their almost 25 year marriage her husband has twice surprised her with cars for her birthday. And she has been absolutely delighted both times. Definitely not the sort of thing that I would want MY husband to do, but it works for my friend and her husband so who am I to judge?

**shaggy** · 08-29-2013, 01:32 PM

OP, I think you owe it to yourself to get to the bottom of this. Try to stay calm and rational, but do have the conversation with your husband.

Originally posted by disneysteve View Post

I can't think of any legitimate reason for my wife to open a new credit card without telling me. That's not how marriage works in my book. If she wanted to buy me a gift that was so expensive she needed a new credit card to get it then I need to know about it and we need to discuss it in advance.

Every couple is different. My husband and I had both joint and separate credit cards, and I opened one without telling him. I was tired of getting comments from him about my spending, so it was easier to keep it private; and he felt the same way.

**jIM_Ohio** · 08-29-2013, 02:33 PM

I would pull credit reports on both you and him. Hopefully you have his SS#.
Another suggestion is to review your tax return, it might tell you other things.

If the above does not work, tell him you want to go car shopping and make sure the car dealer pulls both your credit, then go back to salesman another time and ask to see the credit report.

**annibe11e** · 09-17-2013, 10:10 AM

There is no privacy issue. You're married. Open the envelope.

**dojo** · 09-18-2013, 03:28 AM

While privacy is important, the SAFETY of your financial situation trumps this. If he's not willing to discuss it, make sure next time you get the envelope and open it 'by mistake'.

We're married to and both have SEPARATE accounts (opened when we were not married) and one joint account (the business account). While I don't go scouring through his statements, nor does he, we both know how we 'stand' in our separate accounts, since we do invest/save together. We have 2 personal accounts each and the joint business account and we discuss the situation, the fees, what to do next etc. We're not carrying any credit cards (all accounts have zero overdraft and debit cards), but the main idea is that, while we still have our own accounts, we know what's happening in each others' account (not that it would matter that much, since we don't carry credit with any, so it's really irrelevant if we have no money there or thousands).

Back to the main issue: while we're too lazy to open a joint family account, as I said before, ALL the stuff we do is done together, in complete openness. We discuss how to save, what to purchase, what needs to be done in the house etc.

I don't think I'd be too happy if my husband opened a new account without letting me know. I don't care what he does (as long as he doesn't get in debt - which he won't since he was NEVER in debt), but I do like to know what's going on.

Have the talk, even if it's painful and he'll probably cause a scene. You don't have to control his life, but you need to know what's going on, since any screw-up from his part will mess your life too.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

**KrystalTaylor** · 09-20-2013, 07:18 PM

Don't hide your debts hun, find a way to get out of debts, you can do it! I did!

Hiding credit card debt